Dear Partner of a Pole Dancer,
You are dating/married to/sexing/in a relationship of some form with a pole dancer. CONGRATULATIONS! How’d you get so lucky?! Don’t question it, just be grateful.
However, I’ve got some unfortunate news for you. You might feel like you hit the sexy sexy jackpot BUT….hold onto your seat… the life of a pole dancer is NOT 24/7 sexiness. I know, I know, it’s quite a blow to the pole dancer fantasy, but it is true. Not to worry, though, because I’m here to guide you through the less attractive parts of pole life.
1. Pole Dancers are covered in bruises and calluses
All that seductive skin you are expecting see, oh it’s there, don’t worry about that BUT it will be covered in bruises, calluses, and pole rashes. Your pole partner will look like a black, blue, and red watercolor after a hard week of poling. Yep, not the cutest look.
2. Pole Dancers rather grind up on each other
Oh, you thought your partner was going to come home and test out all their newly learned lap dance skills on you hahaha. You might get that lucky (once in a blue moon) BUT more than likely they are using those skills on other pole dancers. After they spent hours grinding up on each other it’s not likely they will have the energy for an encore performance when they get home.
3. Pole Dancers NEVER leave the studio
Say goodbye to lots of one-on-one time with your pole dancer partner. They’ve got classes, workshops, events, showcases, competitions, cross-training, conventions, and the list goes on. You better be prepared to ride shotgun if you every want to see your poler bae again.
4. Pole Dancers wear workout gear as regular clothing
Maybe leggings are your thing, in which case you must be in near orgasmic heaven with you pole babe. However, if your clothing preferences lean towards, I don’t know, regular clothing then you are going to be quite disappointed. Just try prying a sports bra, leggings, or pole tank from their hands…. it’s not going to work.
5. Pole Dancers are covered in KT tape and Salon Pas
Imagine this: you’re about to get hot and heavy with your partner. You are slowly removing layer after layer till you get to the last scrap of fabric. What do you see? The naked flesh of a toned bombshell? Well yes, but about five layers of brightly colored KT tape and sage green Salon Pas patches dotted all over them. womp womp
6. Pole Dancers' lingerie becomes pole wear
Oh you silly goose, you thought those drawers and drawers of lingerie were for you… NOPE! Those buckets of leather and lace are for pole performances and competitions. BUT maybe if you ask nicely they will put something on for you.
7. Pole Dancers get 'sexiness fatigue'
It sounds crazy but it’s true. When your pole dance partner has been turning on the sexy class after class and leaving it all on the dance floor, it can be really difficult for them to bring it home too. Sometimes they just need to pull on their sweats and leave their full-on sex-bomb persona behind for a night.
8. Pole Dancers are injured 90% off the time
Seriously pole dancers love to push themselves to the limit,they know they should take breaks but they can’t help themselves. Unfortunately, that means lots of aches, pains, and injuries – oh so sexy! Be ready with a heat pack and sympathetic ear, you won’t be getting laid.
9. Pole Dancers play sexy music till it's no longer
You might think all those slow jams your pole dancing partner plays might lead to some good times for you… not very likely! They are going to play every song you every loved on repeat till you would never think of using it as mood music again.
10. Pole Dance competitions are a lot more waiting around than you think
So you’ve prepared for all the pole dancer sidekick responsibilities you will have to take on, you might even think there would be a few perks in it too. Maybe even getting to see other ridiculously sexy poler dancers perform at competitions. It’s true that competitions gather loads of pole babes together, but about an hour into a twelve hour day when you’ve only seen a couple performers it just doesn’t feel worth it.
Even after all that, non-poling partner, you are lucky enough to be with the hottest babes around. So count your lucky stars you landed a pole dancer, just prepare for some very unsexy moments.
Jillian is an avid pole dance student and instructor, accessories and costume designer, rhinestone aficionado, and a PDBloggers Executive Committee Member. She also writes at PoleGeekBlog.com
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